My Precious Little Cancer Sticks

So my little brother almost cried today when I lit up in front of him. He begged me to stop spouting out how I could get addicted and die of cancer and blah blah blah. I wanted to yell at him SHUT THE FUCK UP! I ALREADY AM ADDICTED! But in a calm voice I reassured him that no, I'm not addicted. So I smoked the last two in my pack, showed it to him, and told him I was done. I promised him I was done. Now I'm regretting it because I could really use one right now. (Even though that was only 30 minutes ago.) So tell me, why did I decide to quit again? Oh right, my little 9 year-old brother basically had a panic attack about it.........So where do I start? How the hell do I survive without them? They were the only drug I've been permitting myself lately. I guess if I do go into a residential treatment center I'd have to quit anyways so what does it matter?

Chips and Salsa

I'm so stressed about money right now. My mom gave me a royal lecture today about the cost of therapy and such then after I canceled my therapy session she yelled at me for canceling because I "obviously need the help". Well Jesus woman! You bitch and moan about money then when I decide to take matters into my own hands (I was going to go through RACC and get free counseling services) you get even more pissed off at me. So I wanted to go for a bike ride to blow off the steam but she refused to let me leave the house. So I refused to eat her dinner right away, until she got really pissed off again. Once she was almost done eating I came up and ate. Kinda like a "Fuck you I have control." And then she let me go after I ate and washed her stupid dishes. Well then I went to the bathroom of course......anyhow....I rode my bike so fast I thought I was going to have a heart attack. So I pulled over. I just so happened to be right by his house and I'm like ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! So I had to have a cigarette because I was so flustered. When I was done I rode my bike even faster and longer. When I got home my heart was racing, I was sweating, just drenched and my head was spinning. My ears hurt really bad and I smelled awful. My parents wanted to talk but went and laid down immediately and started reading. I just wanted to rest but they just didn't understand....

Wow. That was a great release.